Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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