Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
