I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
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