I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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