Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
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