my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
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Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
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i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
FUCK WHALES
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize