Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
