Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
