you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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