Yo dont text me then not text me
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Randomize
