every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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