I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
