my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
