your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
