I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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