i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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