Non-Jews are for practice
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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