I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
