Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
