A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.