I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
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Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
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Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?