Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
