He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
