Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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