So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
