2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I can't turn off my feet"
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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