last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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