I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
try to milk me bitch
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
