first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
I dont know to explain this.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.