Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
