Define "chronic" masturbator.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
