He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
