Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
