Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Hippo gnu deer
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
