For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize