if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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