I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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