The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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