So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
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There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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