Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
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