wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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