yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
