the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
