She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Randomize
