Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
