My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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