i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
