So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
