I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
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