Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
