I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Randomize
