last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
It was confusing and full of hummus
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
