I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
