I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
