Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
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