omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
