I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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